Paradigm Shift

How do you deal with your life when you step by the catalyst into a new world? Everything is different, everything is new--all the first principles upon which you forged your previous existence have become obsolete, tatters and blown away in the wind.

Morning dew
Wind's kiss on fresh buds:
Life is new

A beginning is a very delicate time, yes?

I can see the events that transpired to bring about my current position, but these are only events--they have no power over me that I do not give to them. This I know, and I will that their power should come to an end; and yet, still I seem paralyzed in my desire to return to my spiritual state before the turn of events.
Before, I felt very close to God--I thought about God, prayed to God, tried to serve God constantly in every matter. Now, my desire for God is but a dim shadow, wasted and worn. My feeling of God's nearness is fleeting at best. My desire to be among His people is vanished, and I haven't been able to find it or revive it.

And yet, I got married! This is a good thing, is it not? Is not my connection to the human race, to my fellow man, rather strengthened by this blessed union than torn asunder? Yet if so, why do I feel so isolated and insensitive to others?
Being rejected by my church was more traumatic, but so far away! Can that trial still really have power to cripple me, two years later?
My job, which kept me so busy and force me to work on the Sabbath and through church on Sunday, is gone like the winds--and yet, with its passage, my spiritual fervor has not returned.

I don't know. I have always believed Paul, when he said that a single man had time to think about the things of God, while a married man only to think about pleasing his wife. But surely he did not mean that the presence of a wife should exclude the presence of God in a man's life! How then can a husband be a spiritual leader? Is it possible?
For so long, these thoughts have plagued me--and yet, no solution has been revealed to me. My conviction still seems a hollow reed, bent to the ground by winds stronger than my passions.

I must conclude, then, that my earlier conviction was not sufficient: that my previous faith was lacking. God does not try us except to teach us, does He? And God's wisdom is unassailable--this I still believe. And Christ's favor is enduring. He would not leave me to perish, though my worth be as filthy rags and my faithfulness as unsteady as the solar winds. And the Spirit's work is enduring; I am not the man I was, though I may not be the man I wish to be. Still God's grace will continue to work in me His will.

The outward signs of my faith appear to have crumbled, yet still I am sure of my faith--but not of myself, as though my faith had any worth; rather, the thing to which I cling, that still I trust: to God's love in Christ. That will not fail me, never will it fail me, though I become hopelessly lost, still will Christ be able to save me. This I believe not because I will it, but because God wills it, and because I believe it to be true.
I am so young, and so weak! In my youth, I believed myself to be wise and to be strong in my faith--but God knew my pride to be false. Though I had a seeming of wisdom, it was insufficient to protect me from the storms of life, and I was humbled by them. God will lift me up.
In my youth, I prayed for wisdom. I prayed for a stronger faith, and a more humble spirit. I trusted God to give me these things, but when He did, I became lost and dispirited.
The fruit tree goes through times of fallow, through times of winter and times of paucity in the heat of summer. This is not a death song for the tree; rather, the tree comes back to life and bears fruit once more, as God wills. God will bring my spirit to bear fruit for Him once more. I have only to continue to trust Him and to strive to serve Him and His will in everything.

Wisdom is the Lord's, and constancy and truth and power and dominion. Let all creatures praise His name! Let all men bow before Him, and honor His mercy and judgment.
By God's will, I will learn to serve Him once more. And it will be credit to His grace, not to my goodness, that I will continue to serve.